Monday, October 19, 2009
♥ Over and Over Again
I keep picturing you with him. (hahaha sorry the title made me think of the song)
I guess this is just ramblings for me to read and only me, since no one else ever reads them or leaves any type of feedback. But this can be like my online journal, my spiel about anything and everything that is on my brain. Maybe jumble my words up, so when I reread it I wont know what the fuck I am talking about at all.
Again, I feel like a complete and utter failure. I feel like I want to cry, but why should I cry about something that is my own doing? I'm going to stay like this for the rest of my life (so I believe). I will be miserable and fat, maybe I'll be the crazy cat lady from the simpsons. A town outcast, some local psycho? The town I live in is small enough for me to be, unless there is someone else that is more insane then I would be.
Why is it that whenever I'm happy, all my thoughts come back to haunt me? Especially about that one person that I want, but I can't have. Though we are still friends, for which I am glad, but I still can't stop thinking about the person. It's like they plague my mind and I wonder if they think about me, too. I've never been so attached to someone, something that I couldn't have. We had our thing and it was something that I really loved and I looked forward to talking to that person everyday. I think it was the distance and the insecurities, and everything else, that got the best of us. I'll just have to settle for just friends, the day the person tells me that they have another, will probably kill me...
Enough about that. I don't want to dwell on that same old subject, because I'm just going in circles with it and wearing myself a bigger hole as I do. I need to get out of this rut and to think positive. At least, moneywise here, things are really looking up. My stepmom is babysitting for two people and that brings the extra spending money and the bills are being paid. My dad is working a lot now, which I know he likes though he does get sore. The place he works at has been getting very busy and all of that! I just need to find a job and to help contribute, that way I don't feel like I'm free loading off of them. I do help around the house with the cleaning and all of that, I also help babysit. I hate that we clean and it ends up being messy after the kids leave.
Oh god, we watched Pearl Harbor again and I love that movie; though it still gets me and makes me cry. It's a part of our history and it has a lot of action. I love that, but the cute one has to die and I hate that!! Josh Hartnett is so hot! Even though Autumn doesn't even believe he is!! Though she does think Ed Westwick is a bit cute, if he didn't smirk. Though I like him no matter what!! He's a good actor and a singer, too. I love him in Gossip Girl!
Speaking of Gossip Girl, tonight's episode was amazing! I can't wait to see what is happening! I like that Hilary has gained some weight, going from skeleton to an actually healthy size, in my opinion. I think she is someone to look up to, though for a moment there I thought she was going to turn into Lindsey Lohan, without the drugs and alcohol!
xoxo,
Hayles
I guess this is just ramblings for me to read and only me, since no one else ever reads them or leaves any type of feedback. But this can be like my online journal, my spiel about anything and everything that is on my brain. Maybe jumble my words up, so when I reread it I wont know what the fuck I am talking about at all.
Again, I feel like a complete and utter failure. I feel like I want to cry, but why should I cry about something that is my own doing? I'm going to stay like this for the rest of my life (so I believe). I will be miserable and fat, maybe I'll be the crazy cat lady from the simpsons. A town outcast, some local psycho? The town I live in is small enough for me to be, unless there is someone else that is more insane then I would be.
Why is it that whenever I'm happy, all my thoughts come back to haunt me? Especially about that one person that I want, but I can't have. Though we are still friends, for which I am glad, but I still can't stop thinking about the person. It's like they plague my mind and I wonder if they think about me, too. I've never been so attached to someone, something that I couldn't have. We had our thing and it was something that I really loved and I looked forward to talking to that person everyday. I think it was the distance and the insecurities, and everything else, that got the best of us. I'll just have to settle for just friends, the day the person tells me that they have another, will probably kill me...
Enough about that. I don't want to dwell on that same old subject, because I'm just going in circles with it and wearing myself a bigger hole as I do. I need to get out of this rut and to think positive. At least, moneywise here, things are really looking up. My stepmom is babysitting for two people and that brings the extra spending money and the bills are being paid. My dad is working a lot now, which I know he likes though he does get sore. The place he works at has been getting very busy and all of that! I just need to find a job and to help contribute, that way I don't feel like I'm free loading off of them. I do help around the house with the cleaning and all of that, I also help babysit. I hate that we clean and it ends up being messy after the kids leave.
Oh god, we watched Pearl Harbor again and I love that movie; though it still gets me and makes me cry. It's a part of our history and it has a lot of action. I love that, but the cute one has to die and I hate that!! Josh Hartnett is so hot! Even though Autumn doesn't even believe he is!! Though she does think Ed Westwick is a bit cute, if he didn't smirk. Though I like him no matter what!! He's a good actor and a singer, too. I love him in Gossip Girl!
Speaking of Gossip Girl, tonight's episode was amazing! I can't wait to see what is happening! I like that Hilary has gained some weight, going from skeleton to an actually healthy size, in my opinion. I think she is someone to look up to, though for a moment there I thought she was going to turn into Lindsey Lohan, without the drugs and alcohol!
xoxo,
Hayles
10:05 PM
